After the last round and what it did to me mentally when it was not successful we decided it was best to take a bit of a break from treatment.
There was many ups and downs during this time. The amount of time I spent pretending to be happy probably should have won me an award for acting. As much as I tried not to let it take over, infertility 100% consumed me.
I would sit at my desk at work and fight off the urge to cry, and when I couldn’t fight any longer I would go to the toilet and cry, I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, at the end of the day there was nothing anyone could do to help this problem go away.
The truth is, when you want a baby as bad as I do, and I am sure many others feel the same. You never really take a break from it. You still track your cycles, you still note down when you have sex. You still hope that by some miracle it is just going to happen. You still take those pregnancy tests again and again, only for the same outcome.
Every special date becomes a timeline for when you could have a baby. “By next Christmas we will have a little one here with us”… how many Christmases are going to pass before I stop thinking this, but I won’t stop, not until I have a reason to stop, not until I have my baby with my family at Christmas. I even look at cute Christmas outfits and imagine the beautiful family photo on Christmas day.
How many of you, every month work out when your baby would be due if you got pregnant this month? How many of you have added all of the items into a basket online of what you would buy if you were having a baby? How many of you have a board on Pinterest full of nursery ideas? I know I am not the only one!
Five long months passed before I plucked up the courage to go back to the fertility clinic.
Tough Times & Chasing Lines 